3TARDS, THE: Crystal Balls: CD
The 3Tards' music is decent, but the lyrics sound like they were written by a high school freshman on the verge of puberty. It's one thing to use vulgar language on an album and make the song still sound good, but it's another thing when you sound like a complete idiot. Although the name of the group is The 3Tards, there are actually four members in the group: Mike Tard, Gus Tard, Fox Tard and John Tard. On the album cover, it seems as though these gentlemen are going for a look that will agitate parents yet lure teens into their music. However, their music will not only agitate parents, but people of all ages. On the confusing "Crystal Balls", vocalist John Tard speaks about someone looking into his balls for their fortune. I laugh at sexual humour, but when the sexual humour makes absolutely no sense and has no meaning to it, the song is not at all funny. To make a joke song might give listeners a little laugh but these guys made a whole album, and they're serious. Another track that made no sense was, "New Punk (Friggin Sucks)". Do they actually think their music is any better? At the beginning of the song, John speaks about climbing a tree, getting stung by a bumblebee and liking the taste of honey. What on earth does that have to do with punk music sucking nowadays? These gentlemen should have taken tips from Blink 182, a band that uses sexual humour but can still get away with it.
-Bianca Wisdom-James