3TARDS, THE: Crystal Balls: CD
The 3Tards do not in any way shape or form take themselves seriously. They refer to their music as 'asscore' and sing songs about dog's dicks and sodomy. Bands like this always present a serious problem to a reviewer; how to make an assessment of something that sounds like doesn't really intend to impress anyone.

In the beginning, things don't seem so bad. 'Over The Top' is a typically 80s thrash metal style intro before 'Stuck On You' reveals that The 3Tards actually play fast old school punk with a metal element to it. Whilst musically the song itself doesn't do anything that bands haven't already been doing since the 80s, the vocals certainly lift the game. They sound a bit like Bon Scott of AC/DC mixed with a twisted streak of Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys. It has an impact and promises potential; but as the album progresses and it becomes clear that some of these tracks are nothing short of awful, the novelty quickly wears thin.

Things begin to really slide with 'Big Dog, Little Dick', a story about a small dog with a big dick laughing at a big dog with a little dick. Even if there is some incredible convoluted metaphor here, it just feels like thick-headed humour from a band that actually believes anyone is going to be shocked by stuff like this. Title track 'Crystal Balls' invites some unfortunate female to "Look into my Crystal Balls". The telephone call track before it suggests they were well aware how terrible this song is, but included it anyway. If you find that fact amusing, you should probably buy this album.

It's hard to see past the lyrics because they are the only thing that stands out. Who knows if they need or want good reviews, but in any case, they won't get one on this occasion.
Rating: 1/5 by Alex Phelan